It is time to start asking uncomfortable questions: How to help someone who might be suicidal

By Scott R. Mote, Executive Director of the Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program

A lawyer once shared the story of a close friend who attempted suicide at age 17 and survived. On the day he decided to die, he was openly distressed. He hugged his father goodbye through tears, believing it would be the last time. He rode a bus while crying, and no one asked if he was okay. When he reached the bridge, still sobbing, a stranger asked him to take her picture instead of asking how he was doing. He did, and then he jumped.

He later said that if just one person had stopped to ask if he was okay, he would not have done it. He also shared that the instant he jumped, he regretted it. The most heartbreaking part, he said, was realizing in those few seconds that he was going to die and his family would never know that, despite everything, he wanted to live.

Why did no one stop to ask this young man if he was okay? There are many reasons we hesitate. We are taught to mind our own business. We don’t want to get involved. We’re busy. We worry about legal implications. We’re unsure what to say or how to help. We want to respect privacy. We’re afraid of crossing a boundary.

But moments like this remind us why it is so important to push past that hesitation. We must be willing to stop minding our own business and learn how to ask uncomfortable questions. Asking someone, “Are you okay?” or even, “Are you having thoughts about suicide?” does not put the idea in their head. It shows that someone noticed, someone cared enough to ask.

Most people who struggle with suicidal thoughts do not actually want to die. They want their pain to end, but they don’t know how to ask for help or are afraid of what might happen if they do. A simple, compassionate question can open the door to connection, support and hope. Asking may feel uncomfortable, but it could save a life.

Suicide is a serious public health issue. It is currently the 11th leading cause of death in the United States and remains one of the leading causes of death among young people, including the second leading cause of death for individuals ages 15 to 24, with similarly high rates among those in their 20s and early 30s. Legal professionals are not immune. As a profession rooted in service and responsibility, we have an obligation to learn the warning signs, to pay attention when something feels off, and to ask others if they are okay when we believe they may be struggling.

Warning signs

If you see a person exhibiting any of the following behaviors, it is time to ask if they are ok.

• Increasing use of alcohol or drugs

• Acting anxious or agitated

• Behaving recklessly

• Sleeping too little or too much

• Withdrawing or isolating themselves

• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge

• Extreme mood swings

Examples of what legal professionals might say if they are contemplating suicide:

• “I hate being a lawyer/judge. Sometimes I just want to jump off a building.”

• “Nothing will ever change for me. I will always be a failure.”

• “My family/law practice will be much better off without me. I’m such a burden.”

• “I have no reason to live.”

• “I don’t like being a lawyer/judge, but I’m trapped and I cannot change it.”

What to do

The field of suicide prevention suggests the following five action steps that are supported by evidence for communicating with someone who may be suicidal.

Ask

If someone opens up to you and shares that they are struggling, your most important role is to listen. You do not need to fix their problems or have the right answers. Often, a person who is stressed, depressed or anxious simply needs space to say things out loud without judgment. Listen with care and ask how you can support them.

It is also okay to ask directly whether they are having thoughts about suicide. Asking this question does not put the idea in someone’s mind. That belief is a common myth. Instead, it often gives the person a moment to pause and recognize the seriousness of what they are experiencing. When someone asks, “Are you okay?” or “Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?” it can be a powerful signal that someone noticed and cares. For many people, that moment of being seen can open the door to honesty, connection and help.

Be there

Being present for someone during a crisis can be life-saving. That presence might mean being with them in person, or simply letting them know you are available by phone or text. Sitting with someone while they vent, cry, or struggle to find words is being there. If you are unable to provide that support yourself, help identify others who can step in. It’s important to be honest about what you can and cannot do. Making commitments you can’t keep may unintentionally deepen a person’s sense of isolation or abandonment.

Help keep them safe

Do your best to understand what the person is experiencing. Ask whether they have struggled with suicidal thoughts before, whether they have a plan, or whether they have access to means they could use to harm themselves. When someone has a specific plan, the risk is significantly higher. If possible, help reduce immediate risk by limiting access to harmful items such as drugs, alcohol or weapons. These steps are not about control; they are about buying time and creating safety during a vulnerable moment.

Help them connect

Remind them that support is available and that they do not have to navigate this alone. Encourage connection to trusted people and professional resources that can provide ongoing help. Sometimes the most important step is helping someone take that next connection when they feel unable to do it themselves.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

988 has been designated as the new three-digit dialing code that routes callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the United States.

Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program

www.ohiolap.org

800-348-4343

The Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program (OLAP) helps lawyers, judges and law students cope with the stresses of the legal profession. OLAP has saved hundreds of lives and families. OLAP helps those in the legal profession with depression, mental health disorders, burnout, substance use disorders, anxiety, gambling disorders, and more. It is difficult to ask for help when you are struggling, but asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. OLAP understands your concerns about privacy, which is why OLAP is governed by strong rules of confidentiality.

Judicial Advisory Group

The Judicial Advisory Group (JAG) is a peer-based confidential assistance group that helps judges and magistrates with personal and professional issues. For more information, go to www.ohiolap.org/judges or call (800) 348-4343.

Follow up

Staying connected after an initial conversation is just as important as being present in the moment. Reach out with a call, text or message to let the person know you are still thinking about them and that support remains available. Ask how they are doing and whether there is anything else you can do to help. Simple follow-up can strengthen a sense of connection and, in some cases, reduce the risk of suicide by reminding someone that they are not alone.

An important truth

If someone ultimately dies by suicide, it is not your fault. You did not cause their pain, and you did not make their decision for them. Suicide is the result of complex factors, and no single person can control another’s choices. Caring, asking, listening and offering support matters deeply, even when the outcome is beyond your control.

The stigma

Unfortunately, stigma around mental health still persists, and it can have serious consequences for people who are struggling, including those who may be contemplating suicide. Mental health stigma occurs when someone is viewed negatively because of a condition that is wrongly seen as a weakness or disadvantage. This stigma can lead to misunderstanding, judgment and discrimination, all of which can make it harder for someone to reach out for help.

The harmful effects of stigma can include a reluctance to seek treatment or support, lack of understanding from family, friends or coworkers, and the belief that recovery is not possible or that certain goals are out of reach. When people feel judged or dismissed, they may suffer in silence rather than risk being seen differently.

Fortunately, more people are sharing their personal stories about mental health challenges and recovery. These stories help remind us that mental health struggles are common, help is available, and recovery is possible, even after periods of deep distress or suicidal thoughts. Each shared story helps chip away at stigma and opens the door for others to seek support.

As legal professionals, we are trained to help people in difficult moments. That responsibility extends to one another. The next time you notice a colleague, friend, family member or even a stranger who seems distressed, consider asking a simple but powerful question: “Are you okay?” That moment of care could encourage someone to seek help and, one day, live to tell their story — helping others believe that they can survive too.

Resources

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

988 is the new three-digit dialing code that routes callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the United States.

Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program

www.ohiolap.org

800-348-4343

The Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program (OLAP) helps lawyers, judges and law students cope with the stresses of the legal profession. We have saved hundreds of lives and families. We treat depression, mental health disorders, burnout, substance use disorders, anxiety, gambling disorders, and more. We know that it is difficult to ask for help when you are struggling, but asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. We also understand your concerns about privacy, which is why OLAP is governed by strong rules of confidentiality.

Judicial Advisory Group

The Judicial Advisory Group (JAG) is a peer-based confidential assistance group that helps judges and magistrates with personal and professional issues. For more information, go to www.ohiolap.org/judges or call (800) 348-4343.