How Are You, Really?

Scott R. Mote, Esq.

Oct 12

5 min read

When someone asks how you’re doing, you might respond without much thought and say, “Good,” “Busy,” or “Can’t complain.” Most of us have a handful of automatic responses ready to go. We aren’t giving a dishonest answer. We basically understand that the person we pass in the hallway probably isn’t asking for a full assessment of our emotional well-being.

But when was the last time you asked yourself the same question and actually stopped long enough to answer it?

How are you, really?

For many of us, the first instinct to gauge our well-being is to look at how well we are functioning. We are going to work, keeping up with our responsibilities, answering emails, showing up for our families, paying the bills, making plans and getting through the day. If nothing is falling apart, we assume we must be doing fine.

Judges can be particularly good at this. Your work requires you to stay focused and composed regardless of what else may be happening in your life. You have to make decisions, and people are waiting for those decisions. You learn to set aside distractions and give your attention to what is in front of you.

That ability serves you well on the bench, but it can make it surprisingly easy, however, to overlook changes in your own well-being.

Functioning Is Not the Same as Feeling Well

You don’t have to be struggling to get out of bed or unable to do your job before something deserves your attention. Maybe you have been sleeping, but you rarely wake up feeling rested. Maybe your patience is shorter than it used to be. You get home at the end of the day and have little interest in talking to anyone. The hobbies you once enjoyed sound like more work. You find yourself pouring a drink more often because it helps you transition out of work mode, or spending an hour scrolling through your phone because you don’t have the energy to do much else.

You are still functioning. In fact, everyone around you may think you are doing great. You may think so, too.

The changes that affect our well-being often happen gradually. When they do, we adapt to them. A few bad nights of sleep can turn into a few months. A particularly stressful week might turn into a stressful season. We stop seeing friends as often because we are tired, then eventually stop noticing how long it has been since we saw them at all.

Eventually, the way we feel today becomes the new version of “fine.”

Why We Minimize What We’re Feeling

There is always someone who seems to have it worse, which can make it tempting to dismiss what we are experiencing. You may tell yourself you have a good life, a successful career, a supportive family or plenty to be grateful for. All of those things can be true while you are also having a difficult time.

We also tend to compare what we are feeling with what we imagine a real problem should look like. Depression must mean you cannot get out of bed. Anxiety must mean panic attacks. A problem with alcohol must mean your drinking is affecting your work. Burnout must mean you are ready to walk away from your career, but life is rarely that clear.

Sometimes the first indication that something needs attention is much simpler. You just don’t feel like yourself. That is enough reason to pay attention.

You Don’t Need to Know What Is Wrong

One of the questions people often ask when they are considering reaching out for help is, “What would I even say?” You don’t need to have an answer. You don’t need to know whether what you are experiencing is stress, anxiety, burnout, depression or simply the result of having too much on your plate for too long. You also don’t need to wait until you can put a name to it.

Sometimes the conversation begins with something as simple as, “I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, but lately I just haven’t felt like myself.”

Talking about it can help you begin to understand what has changed. Maybe you need more rest, or you have allowed work to take over too much of your life. Maybe something personal has been weighing on you more than you realized and you need professional support.

You don’t have to know the answer before you start asking the question.

Pay Attention to What Has Changed

Rather than waiting for an obvious warning sign, think about what feels different from six months or a year ago.

Maybe you used to look forward to getting together with friends and now you regularly find reasons to cancel. Perhaps you once exercised several times a week and gradually stopped. You may notice that your spouse gets the exhausted version of you every evening, or that you spend most of Sunday thinking about Monday.

Changes like these are easy to explain away individually. Taken together, they can tell you something about how you are doing.

It can also help to listen to the people who know you well. When a spouse, friend, colleague or family member says you seem tired, distracted, stressed or unusually quiet, resist the urge to immediately say, “I’m fine.” They may be noticing something you have become too accustomed to see.

You Don’t Have to Wait for a Crisis

OLAP/JAG is there when someone is experiencing a serious mental health or substance use concern, but that is not the only time to reach out.

You can call because work has been getting to you lately. You can call because you aren’t sleeping. You can call because you have noticed you are drinking more than you used to. You can call because you feel disconnected from your family or because you are having a difficult time and aren’t quite sure why. You can even call because you want to talk with someone before a concern becomes a crisis.

For judges, OLAP’s Judicial Advisory Group provides another avenue for confidential support from people who understand the unique experiences of serving on the bench. Sometimes having a conversation with someone who understands the profession can help you see your situation differently.

You spend a great deal of your professional life paying attention to what is happening around you. Every once in a while, turn some of that attention inward. The next time someone asks how you are doing, you don’t necessarily have to give them the real answer. Just make sure that every once in a while, you give the real answer to yourself.

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