How Are You, Really?

When someone asks how you’re doing, you might respond without much thought and say, “Good,” “Busy,” or “Can’t complain.” Most of us have a handful of automatic responses ready to go. We understand that the person we pass in the hallway probably isn’t asking for a full assessment of our emotional well-being.

But when was the last time you asked yourself the same question and actually stopped long enough to answer it?

How are you, really?

For many of us, the first instinct is to gauge our well-being by looking at how well we are functioning. We are going to work, meeting deadlines, answering emails, taking care of clients, showing up for our families and getting through the day. If nothing is falling apart, we assume we must be doing fine.

Lawyers can be particularly good at this. The profession requires you to focus on other people’s problems, often while setting aside whatever may be happening in your own life. Clients need answers, and deadlines still have to be met. Hearings, negotiations, meetings and phone calls require your attention. You learn to compartmentalize, focus on what needs to be done and keep moving.

That ability can serve you well as a lawyer. It can also make it surprisingly easy to overlook changes in your own well-being.

Functioning Is Not the Same as Feeling Well

You don’t have to be struggling to get out of bed or unable to do your job before something deserves your attention. Maybe you are sleeping but rarely wake up feeling rested. Your patience is shorter than it used to be. A routine client request irritates you more than it should. You get home at the end of the day and have little interest in talking to anyone. The hobbies you once enjoyed sound like more work.

Maybe you pour a drink more often because it helps you transition out of work mode, or spend an hour scrolling through your phone because you don’t have the energy to do much else.

You are still functioning. Your clients and colleagues may think you are doing great. You may think so, too.

Changes in our well-being often happen gradually, and we adapt to them. A few bad nights of sleep turn into a few months. A particularly stressful week becomes a stressful season. We stop seeing friends as often because we are tired, then eventually stop noticing how long it has been since we saw them at all.

Eventually, the way we feel today becomes the new version of “fine.”

Why We Minimize What We’re Feeling

There is always someone who seems to have it worse, which can make it tempting to dismiss what we are experiencing. You may have a good life, a successful career, a supportive family and plenty to be grateful for. All of those things can be true while you are also having a difficult time.

Lawyers are accustomed to evaluating problems. We gather facts, assess their seriousness and determine what requires action. When we turn that same process on ourselves, we can set the threshold for concern remarkably high.

We also compare what we are feeling with what we imagine a serious problem should look like. Depression must mean you cannot get out of bed. Anxiety must mean panic attacks. A problem with alcohol must mean drinking is affecting your work. Burnout must mean you are ready to leave the profession.

Life is rarely that clear.

Sometimes the first indication that something needs attention is that you just don’t feel like yourself.

You Don’t Need to Know What Is Wrong

One of the questions people often ask when considering reaching out for help is, “What would I even say?” You don’t need to have an answer. You don’t need to know whether what you are experiencing is stress, anxiety, burnout, depression or simply the result of having too much on your plate for too long.

Sometimes the conversation begins with something as simple as, “I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, but lately I just haven’t felt like myself.”

Talking about it can help you understand what has changed. Maybe you need more rest. Perhaps work has gradually taken over too much of your life. A difficult case, demanding client, financial pressure, change in your practice or something in your personal life may be weighing on you more than you realized.

Pay Attention to What Has Changed

Rather than waiting for an obvious warning sign, think about what feels different from six months or a year ago. Maybe you used to enjoy your work and now nearly every request feels like an imposition. Perhaps you once exercised regularly and gradually stopped. You may notice that you are checking email late into the evening, thinking about clients when you should be sleeping or spending most of Sunday mentally preparing for Monday.

Maybe you have become more impatient with colleagues or staff. You procrastinate on tasks you once handled easily, have trouble concentrating on something you need to read or feel overwhelmed by relatively ordinary demands.

Changes can show up outside of work, too. You cancel plans more often, lose interest in things you once enjoyed or realize that the people you care about are consistently getting whatever energy you have left after work.

Individually, these things can be easy to explain away, but all together, they may tell you something important about how you are doing.

Listen to the people who know you well, too. When a spouse, friend, colleague or family member says you seem tired, distracted, stressed or different, resist the instinct to immediately say, “I’m fine.” They may be noticing something you have become too accustomed to see.

You Don’t Have to Wait for a Crisis

OLAP is there when someone is experiencing a serious mental health or substance use concern, but that is not the only time to reach out.

You can call because work has been getting to you lately. You can call because you aren’t sleeping or have noticed you are drinking more than you used to. You can call because you dread going to work, feel disconnected from your family or have been having a difficult time and aren’t quite sure why.

You can also call because something feels different and you would like to talk about it before it becomes something bigger.

Lawyers spend much of their professional lives helping other people navigate problems. It can be easy to forget that you are allowed to ask for help before you have figured everything out yourself.

OLAP provides a confidential place to have that conversation with someone who understands the pressures of the legal profession.

The next time someone asks how you are doing, you don’t necessarily have to give them the real answer. Just make sure that every once in a while, you give the real answer to yourself.

Take a Minute

How are you, really?

Before moving on with your day, consider these questions.

• Am I sleeping well most nights?

• Do I generally have enough energy to get through the day?

• Am I still enjoying the people and activities I usually enjoy?

• Have I been more irritable, impatient or frustrated lately?

• Can I leave work behind when the day is over?

• Have I been withdrawing from friends or family?

• Am I relying more on alcohol, food, medication, scrolling or other habits to relax or escape?

• Do I have something outside of work that I am looking forward to?

• When I have time away from work, do I actually feel restored?

• Has someone close to me commented that I seem stressed, tired, distracted or different?

• Is there something bothering me that I keep telling myself isn’t a big deal?

• If someone I trusted asked how I was doing and genuinely wanted to know, what would I say?

This is not a test, and there is no score. If your answers make you realize that you haven’t been feeling quite like yourself, pay attention to that. Consider talking with someone you trust or reaching out confidentially to OLAP.

OLAP Is Here to Help

The Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program provides confidential support to Ohio legal professionals dealing with stress, burnout, mental health concerns, substance use and other challenges affecting personal or professional well-being.

You do not need to be in crisis or know exactly what is wrong before reaching out. Sometimes a conversation is the best place to start.